Margaret, or Marge for short, is the hot-blooded neighborhood baker. The only thing she loves as much as her husband are the rippling pecs on the books she keeps tucked under her side of the mattress. Marge wears her heart on her apron and puts her blood, sweat, and tears into her sugary craft. But inside, Marge burns with a passion hotter than her oven. And it’s left her down there moister than her famous buns. This is her story.

Ultra Comfort Toilet Paper


Alfred owns and operates A-Day. Voted San Diego’s #1 Ghost and Goblin Tour three years running. In part for the must-see sights, but mainly for Alfred’s zest for life…especially the afterlife. He’s a go-with-the-flow kind of fella and the crystals in his back pocket steer the bus’s compass. He’s not the worrying type, but if he was, the only thing he’d fret about is his down there, which gets a little too swampy after a long day of tours. This is his story.

Fresh Care Flushable Wipes


Kelby didn’t hit puberty, he pummeled it. He went from peach fuzz to full beard in one month flat. Tattoos are life. To him, pain and pleasure are the same thing. He considers the kidney stones he got last August to be the highlight of his year. But there’s one part of his body where he doesn’t like to feel pain: down there. And while his ink is permanent, the rawness he feels down there doesn’t have to be. This is his story.

Ultra Comfort Toilet Paper


Meet Connie, the Pillager of Plaque, the Crusher of Cavities, and loving mother to her twin boys and blind cat, Teefers. She’s seen the inside of more mouths than her set of 9th-generation heirloom silverware. Those who make eye contact with her feel the sudden urge to floss. While she’s renowned for keeping mouths clean, her dirty little secret is her down there, which can be harder to clean than a case of dry socket. This is her story.

Ultra Clean Toilet Paper